People You Don’t Want To Sit Next To On An Airplane

{I think we were over Oklahoma, somewhere...}

And guess what? I’ve sat next to (or in the very, very close vicinity of) all of them. First of all, let me state that flying is soooo not what I used to think it was. It is not glamorous, it is not really exciting, and it’s definitely not that fun. I suppose if you’re headed to a tropical island or some really cool vacay, it might be slightly better. But still, you are trapped in a very small space with very weird people for usually a very long time. (Sidenote: I used to be slightly terrified of those really small planes, with only one seat, an aisle, and then two seats, but now I jump for joy if I see I don’t have to sit next to anyone at all.) I don’t hate flying; it’s better than driving for hours on end, but in the past five months, I have definitely learned who you don’t want to sit by (but you usually don’t have a choice, unless you’re flying Southwest, but I really prefer not to choose my own seat, since that presents its own set of problems I’ll discuss another day, another time).

Sweaty, Smelly Workout Guy
While in the Toronto airport, my coworker and I noticed a man in full workout gear (track suit, knit stocking cap and all…we were indoors…about to get on a plane…obviously) doing some full-tilt lunges, squats, running in place, etc. in a corner he had apparently deemed his personal gym for the afternoon. To quote Grace, “aw man, I totally should have snap-chatted that.” It was entertaining. Until we boarded the plane and workout guy sits down right next to me. I don’t know if you’ve flown anywhere recently, but if you ask me, the personal space in terms of seating is getting smaller and smaller. If you’re taller than 5 foot and you have two arms you’d like to rest without touching the person who is extremely close next to you, you’re out of luck. Anyway, this guy was smelly (like sweaty body odor smelly), super tall and broad, and also chose to eat the weirdest crap I have ever seen on an airplane (I’ll save that for my next point). People, I beg of you: if you can, shower before you fly anywhere, or at the very least wear a lot of deodorant, and under no circumstances should you work out and then board an aircraft. Also, you don’t need to continually get up and walk up and down the aisle every 15 minutes. People will hate you. I had to breathe through my mouth or into my sweater sleeve the whole three hour flight. Vom.

People Who Eat On Planes

Eating on planes, other than maybe the pretzels/peanuts (or cookies, if you’re flying Delta…delish) that are provided on the plane, SHOULD BE BANNED. Again, do you people not understand that you are boarding a twelve foot by seventy foot (guesstimating; I don’t like math) sealed space, full of at least 40 other people and recycled air? The entire plane of people will smell your food for the entire flight. Please don’t bring your Greek salad on board. Please don’t bring your McDonalds on board. And for all that is holy, please don’t bring a dried-apricot/fig-fruit cocktail thing that is so pungent it makes your seatmate gag. Also, if you can’t sit tight for a three hour flight without your powdered protein shake that smells like death/a warm diaper, then something may be wrong with you. (Any guesses on who this was??)

 

Children On Planes

Let me clarify; I know that kids have to fly. I get it. But hey parents, let’s be prepared for this long-ass trip with 40 other adults on the teeny tiny flying vessel. Perhaps your child could watch a movie (with headphones…not without headphones…because listening to Dora the Explorer will make me stare you down with no remorse) on your iPad or laptop. Maybe they could read a book or play a quiet game. (Quiet is the key word here.) Maybe they could sleep. I don’t know, but pack something quiet for your kid to do on the plane. Also, please inform your child that kicking a seat repeatedly is RUDE and NOT ACCEPTABLE. (Unless you, yourself, are the next kind of person on my list.) Also, letting your kid ask you twenty million times if “we’re up in the air? Are we up in the air Daddy?” and providing the indulgent, “yeah buddy, we sure are!” every. single. time. and then letting your kid pretend to shoot down other planes in the sky (“pew pewpew! Pew pewpewpewpewpewpew!”) in a high pitched keen, while kicking my seat, at 10 o’clock at night, on a three hour flight, is really, really, REALLY NOT ACCEPTABLE.

 

People Who Kick Seats/Recline Their Seats

As I’ve clarified, there is no room on a plane for anyone. Unless you are in first class or business seating, where I feel like the accommodations are bearable (I wouldn’t go so far to say comfortable), you have about a foot in front of you from the knees up—from the knees down, you are literally squished against the seat in front of you. So why, oh why, do you think it’s okay to A) repeatedly kick and punch my back, or B) recline your chair into my knees? The only reason it is acceptable to kick someone in the back is if they have reclined. I think it is so rude and yes, you definitely deserve a few extra knee thrusts in your lower back because Sweet Jesus sir, your bald spot is now literally under my nose. And hey, if I’m not reclining my seat into your face, then please don’t punch me in the back. We’re all uncomfortable, and the irony is, we all paid several hundred dollars to be uncomfortable, so let’s all sit up straight and try not to make eye contact.

 

The Chatterbox

I consider myself an outgoing person. I love to meet new people; I enjoy making new connections. However, unless I engage in a conversation with you, please don’t tell me your life story. At 7:00am. For a three hour flight. I don’t know what it is about planes, but some people want to not only get to know you, but really bond with you. I get it; we’re in tight quarters, we’re all in this together,but please, don’t tell me about how you breed horses in nowhere Texas and your husband left you for another woman and aren’t men scum? (Headphones didn’t stop this lady! Sheesh!)

 

The Mom With The Two-Month-Old Baby

Actually, this wasn’t as bad as I originally thought it would be. (As soon as the lady boarded with that tiny little bundle, the plane gave a collective groan/sigh.) The mom was nice enough and left me alone, and the baby was pretty good…until he peed through his diaper and started crying for the final 15 minutes as we descended on Shreveport. I know for babies there’s not much you can do…and I will say this: at least babies can’t help it when they cry and make noise on a plane. They don’t understand what’s happening. The adults who recline in my face and talk my ear off, however, know better.

 

{Welcome to my personal hell.}

People Who Stand Up As Soon As The Plane Comes To A Stop

If you have a weird leg condition, I’ll give you a free pass. However, to the rest of the world: you don’t need to stand as soon as the plane comes to a stop and the seatbelt sign is off. If you are in the front two rows, please, by all means, stand up, grab your stuff and get the heck off the plane. However, you in the row two rows behind me who now has your crotch in my face, you can wait. There are no less than 23 rows in front of us, and you standing in the aisle will not make it go faster. In fact, it will probably make it go slower because you are blocking the aisle for people who are actually next in line to leave. So sit tight for 10 freaking more minutes, and we will all make it off the plane alive. Oh, and can your cell phone call really not wait until we get in the airport? Really? I don’t think the rest of the plane wants to hear your call your mom/spouse/boss/whoever and let them know you arrived, literally, right this minute. That is what texting is for, my friends.

 

And finally…

 

The Lady Who Wears Every Piece of Jewelry She Owns Through Security

I don’t know if you’ve been under a rock for the past twelve years, but unless you have the Frequent Traveler’s Pass or whatever, you have to take off your shoes, your belt, your coat, your hat and all of your chunky jewelry when you walk through security. You may want to look super cute in your cowboy boots, dress with a wide belt and huge buckle, eighty-thousand necklaces, cuff bracelets and cocktail rings, but honey, it all has to come off before you walk through those gates and you’ve got over a hundred people behind you at Dallas Fort Worth. I know, it totally sucks, but everyone knows it sucks and everyone still does it, so please, think about your ensemble before you cross into security, because at the security line, it’s the point of no return and yes, you will get death stares if you try and breeze through, bracelets clinking, only to come back and cut everyone who is ready to rock-n-roll on through the scanner so you can remove the articles those signs told you to remove 30 feet back. You've been warned!